mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
