Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
