It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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