You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We named our party play list daddy issues
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
