You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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