she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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