To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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