does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
