i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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