mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
