I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize