Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
