here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will be naked everywhere
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
