she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
