it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
