Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
