Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
