My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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