hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
