you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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