They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
