The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
