Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
