The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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