The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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