i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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