i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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