Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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