I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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