Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Fuck appropriateness.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
