I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
