Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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