why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
