You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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