I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
