Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
