You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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