i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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