He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
