Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
