he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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