I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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