i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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