My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
