I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
These tits shall not be calmed
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
