oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
