I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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