Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
