my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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