I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
