did you get engaged???
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
