what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
