i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize