dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
