I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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