Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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