Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize