He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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