The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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