just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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