I cannot find my penis.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
