i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
