You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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