So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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