my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
