he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
