guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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