I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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